"Once we clearly acknowledge the soul, we can learn to hear it's cries. - Dallas Willard, Renovation Of The Heart."

It takes courage to pursue our dreams. It takes time and patience to unearth buried treasure. But I believe with all my heart that we must do both.

6.05.2013

painting angst


please tell me I am not alone in this...this painting struggle...the angst when you cannot convey on the canvas what you want to...or you don't really even know what you freaking want to put on the canvas...
I HATE this feeling!!!


this is where it stands now (above photo) and I like it, I just don't know where to go or what to do with it...I am afraid I will put my hand to it and screw it up like I did the last 10 versions of it...


this is where it began, (well three layers into it) no I take that back.  it began as a Good Friday painting for church.  I had painted a faint cross with a neutral background.  each person came up and painted their hands with red paint and placed it on the canvas...I was given the canvas to paint over.


I still liked it in this stage...but then I messed it up...big time...  


it stayed like this for many days...


then I fiddled with it a bit, and liked it here...then is messed it up - again!


I got so dang frustrated I just sprayed the whole thing...in my house...yes I did! won't do that again...I will take it outdoors next time I need to let off a little steam...


so, I started all over, outdoors.  set us my easel and paints under a beautiful old oak tree.  then they came...the bugs...many bugs began landing in the wet paint! I looked around and there were little flying bugs everywhere...it was termite swarming day!!! 


later I sprayed (outside) some stencils...it is a large canvas and I wanted to try to fill up some of the vast space.  

I think I have discovered a few things along this way of struggle, but by no means do I think I have a breakthrough yet.  it needs a large focal point in my opinion. since I do not draw well I am not sure what to do. I know I don't want to paint another heart...thought the heart is where I seem to camp on a lot in all I do.  

I also wonder if because of the paintings original purpose (Good Friday) God has something different in mind than i do. I think I will let it sit till i know more, perhaps ask HIM what HE wants me to put on it.  

Grace and peace my friends!


12 comments:

Bevie said...

Wow I liked each stage..am amazed at how you can create such beautiful pages!!! You were right when you told me many years ago you can't make mistakes when journaling...it's so true!!! love you sis.

Mary said...

Bevie, sweet sister of mine, that is a huge canvas! lol

Gwyn Monroe said...

Bevie is right. Each stage is beautiful, just like the life cycle of a flower...or people. I feel there was a spiritual lesson here for you. Every part of the process has meaning and purpose. I'm glad you recorded the evolution of this painting, and captured this lesson from the Lord that came through you. It's a wonderful thing! THANK YOU! :) Gwyn

Tracy said...

Sometimes you just have to stand back and wait. And wait. Eventually you work it through and come to the end of yourself and find the Lord can have His say. I love the colours where it's at at the moment. Be at peace with it :)
Tracy

Bevie said...

hehehe I see, thanks for letting me know...I sure would like to get my hands on some large canvases. I too have had to deal with stumbling blocks while working on some paintings...too many times I think it's going well, but then I can't go on till I let some time pass...love you sis.

jinxxxygirl said...

At least your not afraid to put paint on canvas....i can't even begin! Just looking at white canvas here.......ugh...

Susan said...

Perhaps your dissatisfaction with it is really part of the parable. Our sin is born at the cross but we keep trying to fix it anyway, never quite satisfied with what Jesus has done.

Martha Lever said...

It's very beautiful, Mar!! I say put it aside for a day or two and don't look at it and maybe when you look at it again you will know what to do. Don't do anything when you are in angst. For me that usually spells disaster because you are working from the wrong side of your brain-- the left side. It's very beautiful and God will show you. Maybe a black element--or some writing in black.--- but He will show you.

Bren Thebeau said...

Man you wrote the story of more than a few of my paintings, in fact it might well be part of the process of all of them! Have you considered collaging something in as your focal point, (a photo, a stencil using texture paste) or maybe do a gel transfer? Just some thoughts, but I'm sure you will find your way in and through, again :-)

Cre8tvlyyrsGina said...

I soo know how you feel Mary! I have so many 'unfinished' backgrounds because either I love how it looks and am afraid to add any more or I hate it and just don't know what to do with it...the worst one I did was paint over a completed canvas and hated what I painted and now I wish I would have left it...but you know what....when you finally get to your finished when you know in your heart it's what you feel it was supposed to look like...well, that always makes up for all the other stages it went through...like a butterfly I guess!

LeeAnn@Encouragement Is Contagious said...

Oh Mar, you have me cracking up!!! I loved the commentary of your feelings and especially those darn bugs!! ha ha Makes me feel right at home, since these kind of things happen to me all of the time, especially right after I take the time to find a nice pretty spot outside and hope nature inspires my inner creative person to come out. I loved the all pink swirls of painted canvas on the 7th photo down. Gorgeous!!! I have to walk away sometimes when I am having to think too much about what to do next on a painting. I'm a big procrastinator, sorry to say. I was just thinking how I love the hearts in your paintings and how a blue heart coming out of the all pink swirly canvas, would look beautiful. A blue heart (such as our own at times) surrounded by all of that gorgeousness and warmth, couldn't stay blue very long. ♥

Love ya Mary!
Lee Ann

Amy Smith said...

You are most certainly not alone. Many of my paintings have numerous layers of lousiness. I wrote a post a while back on my blog about how painting over something I don't like is alot like being forgiven. It is a chance at a do-over. It is frustrating in both instances to keep screwing it up and having to try over and over again to get it right. Grateful for grace!