Yesterday I sat in my studio, lovely music playing by Olafur Arnalds, have you heard him? His Living Rooms Songs, so soothing. So as my house was being packed up once again in preparation for another movie being filmed here I listened and painted backgrounds in my everyday journal.
I had forgotten myself in the process of finding me...
There are so many ways of seeing. And you can find them all over the place with one click of a button. Websites, Blogs, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube...so much eye candy for our eyes to feast on. And I love to look at all at it all. And it can get confusing. I see so much wonderful art. I see something I like, and because I am not confident in myself as an artist or my own style I try to copy someone else's style. It's okay to try new things, take classes, and even add new things to you, but don't we need to be careful not to lose who we are too? I think I have done that. This morning I realized I had forgotten what I really liked. I had forgotten what felt good to my hands and heart as I created.
I see "me" in these pages I created this morning. I see the messy-ness, spray paint, scribbles, words...I even see a few things I have picked up along my journey, but incorporated with my style.
I wonder, will my style always look like this? I wonder, doesn't our craft, art, grow and change along the way? I wonder, will I like this way of working next year, or month or even day? And I am not sure I know the answers, but I know creating this morning felt different. I worked faster, I worked less worried about what the outcome would be. I worked without much thought at all really...just grabbed what was around me. And then I wonder if I am copping out. Did I like this way of creating because it was comfortable to me? Sometimes it needs to be uncomfortable in order to grow.
Here's the thing I do know. I can get overloaded with all that I see and I forget myself. I forgot why I began visual journaling and painting to begin with. It was to see my heart at a deeper level, a different angle. To peel back the layers and see what was hidden. Somehow creativity helps me to do that.
You may be saying to yourself, woman, you are over-thinking all of this! And you may be right! lol I tend to do that from time to time. I like to get to the why of things. And asking questions is a good way to do that. It's good to ask questions. Sometimes we don't ask enough.
So here I am, with more questions than answers...but I believe the answers will come...at least the ones that matter.
A friend asked me to paint a chest for her daughter's graduation. She wanted to fill it with memories and mementos for her. I almost did not do it. I have been feeling really crappy...Lyme symptoms running rampant in my body, affecting my body, mind and emotions. I have not been blogging much, I have not been painting much. I work in my journal but that has been about it. I was able to complete a painting (finally) I had been working on for over a year, I will share that with you later.
I am glad that I pushed myself to do this. I am really pleased with how it turned out. My daughter Meg liked it and I knew if she liked it my friends daughter would too.
Friends, I want you to know that though I may not comment much I am still visiting your blogs. I am experiencing a rough patch on my journey, we all have them. There may be many of you who are living a rough patch too. Or coming out of one. Or going into one. May I tell you not to run from it or deny what is...may I tell you not to numb or cover up the pain with activities or busyness...we need to go through it, not around or over it. It's not easy friends, a lot of the time it just plain sucks and it's easy to begin to lose hope. Let's not lose hope. There will be a day when the rough patch evens out. It may not be tomorrow, but it will come.
I am reading a really good book right now, maybe you would like to pick up a copy and read too. "Finding Spiritual Whitespace: Awakening Your Soul to Rest" by Bonnie Gray. You may want to visit her blog too - faith barista