Today's workshop

I had a wonderful workshop today. 

Two women were new to this amazing thing called visual journaling. One sweet lady said it was helping her grieve...yes, this is so much more than a little paint!

I finally remembered to take a few photos. I love seeing the the various ways creativity flows...

journal musings and scratchings

words to keep close

painting angst

please tell me I am not alone in this...this painting struggle...the angst when you cannot convey on the canvas what you want to...or you don't really even know what you freaking want to put on the canvas...

I HATE this feeling!!!

this is where it stands now (above photo) and I like it, I just don't know where to go or what to do with it...I am afraid I will put my hand to it and screw it up like I did the last 10 versions of it...

this is where it began, (well three layers into it) no I take that back.  it began as a Good Friday painting for church.  I had painted a faint cross with a neutral background.  each person came up and painted their hands with red paint and placed it on the canvas...I was given the canvas to paint over.

I still liked it in this stage...but then I messed it up...big time...  

it stayed like this for many days...

then I fiddled with it a bit, and liked it here...then is messed it up - again!

I got so dang frustrated I just sprayed the whole thing...in my house...yes I did! won't do that again...I will take it outdoors next time I need to let off a little steam...

so, I started all over, outdoors.  set us my easel and paints under a beautiful old oak tree.  then they came...the bugs...many bugs began landing in the wet paint! I looked around and there were little flying bugs everywhere...it was termite swarming day!!! 

later I sprayed (outside) some stencils...it is a large canvas and I wanted to try to fill up some of the vast space.  

I think I have discovered a few things along this way of struggle, but by no means do I think I have a breakthrough yet.  it needs a large focal point in my opinion. since I do not draw well I am not sure what to do. I know I don't want to paint another heart...thought the heart is where I seem to camp on a lot in all I do.  

I also wonder if because of the paintings original purpose (Good Friday) God has something different in mind than i do. I think I will let it sit till i know more, perhaps ask HIM what HE wants me to put on it.  

Grace and peace my friends!

puzzle pieces

It has been awhile since I have written much on my blog.  Seems I have been taking snapshots of my life, like little puzzle pieces. Trying now to sort them out by color and shape. Looking for the edges that will contain the whole.

I have had a dream for some time now.  A dream to open a studio where women can come and be and create.  A place to take a take a deep breath, to drop the masks we wear and carry.  A place to be still and quiet when needed and to be in community when needed.  You see, we need both.

A place to explore our lives, our hearts, our hurts, our desires that have been ignored.  A place to use creativity to begin or continue that exploration.

I think I have been afraid, no, I know I have been afraid to move forward in this.  Afraid that I did not have much of value to offer.  Afraid that I would not be able to do it.  Afraid that I would open the doors and no one would enter them.

My wise counselor said that I am going to have to pick fights with those lies. That the enemy of my soul has been feeding me lies my whole life!  You see, I have always been afraid to tell, well it's more like even believing the truth about myself.    

I am beginning to believe.  To believe I have worth and value and something good to share with others. It's not bragging.  It's truth telling.  To not believe, to not use what has been given to me is damaging to my heart and soul!  It keeps me frozen, afraid to move forward.

God has gifted me with certain gifts and talents.  He gifts us all!  He has gifted you!

I am wobbly moving forward, and instead of looking at the pile of puzzle pieces I am going to begin to place them together one at a time.

Instagram pics

I'm maryefreeman on Instagram if you care to follow. 

Reminder

Monday, May 27th, the movie "Ring Of Fire" that was filmed at our home last year airs on Lifetime at 9pm 8 central time.

re-thinking my thinking