"Once we clearly acknowledge the soul, we can learn to hear it's cries. - Dallas Willard, Renovation Of The Heart."

It takes courage to pursue our dreams. It takes time and patience to unearth buried treasure. But I believe with all my heart that we must do both.

10.12.2010

Abiding Monday


I want to thank all of you for your well wishes and prayers.  I am finally feeling more like myself.

I don't like what I see in me when I am sick. Really I just want to go to bed and sleep till I am over it or watch TV to pass the time. I don't like not feeling good. I have lived with my fair share of pain in the form of migraines, and body aches, but I realize I am a "baby" when it comes to being sick.  I see I put life on hold till I am better. I realize I am not good at sucking it up and getting on with life. Now, I'm not being hard on myself, just seeing it for what it is.

But the thing that I hate the most is that I can put my relationship with God on hold till I feel better. I understand that reading while the room is spinning is really not possible, but my relationship is more than just reading his word or books about him. I don't ignore those around me when I am sick, (well not totally) and he is certainly as real and present as those around me if not more so.  I can still speak to him and actively rest in him. Now I did say a few "prayers", Lord make this go away....but really, I could have done much better. I realize I wasted a lot of precious time kind of feeling sorry for myself.

Mary, how about praying for the rest of the people you know that are dealing with much more pain here. Well, actually no I can't thank you very much I am too busy feeling sorry for myself.  Sometimes when things don't work out the way we plan our hearts show up and hit us smack in the face. And really it's not a bad thing to be shown where there is work to be done. Change to be made. Growth to take place.

So, I am not beating myself up here, really I am not.  I know I am accepted and loved, but I also know I want a heart that is not so self-focused.  I don't want to put my life on hold when I don't feel well.  I want to use even that time well. I want to be God aware and God focused so much more than I am.

12 comments:

Nancy said...

I am right there in the boat with you...know exacly what you are saying.....the encouraging thing is once He shows us next time we can do it different.....What hope......

Glad you are feeling better sweet friend....

lori vliegen said...

hello sweet mary! i'm so sorry to hear that you've been going through such a rough time with migraines, dizziness, etc......and i know that you're not beating up on yourself for being self-focused.....but please remember that we're all riding in that boat with you when it comes to our human-ness surfacing......! i'm keeping you in my prayers, dear girl! xoxoxo, :)))

Bevie said...

Boy do I know what you are saying here for I (you know) have done the very same. I have been praying to God to help me change the way I concentrate on ME when I'm in a bad flare or the knees just feel like they want to stop working at all...I am realizing when I'm constantly keeping HIM uppermost in my mind the pain is less...truly!!! Am so happy you are feeling better...I know you aren't a complainer so I know this bought has been really bad!!! love you and see you in 4 days..ehehehhehe yeppie!!!

Bren said...

Hi Mar, I appreciate what you're saying here, getting to that place where we enjoy God in the middle of pain and sickness is a process and because it's a process it's not one you get to with a sudden onslaught of illness, it seems to only come when you're dealing with chronic illness and pain. If you have people in your life who live in chronic pain and seem to have this connection with God dispute the pain it's because it evolves over time. Most of us, when hit with something new, curl up and get lost in it for awhile :-)

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

Thanks for stopping by Mary. I'm so sorry you haven't been feeling well. You're such a wonderful, inspiring soul.....illness just shouldn't visit you ever! :)

S. Etole said...

Prayers for you in all that you are experiencing ... my heart holds more for you than words can say.

Bev said...

wow, i'm so sorry that you haven't been feeling well mary...i do know that god speaks to us even in the unpleasant parts of our life. god is growing you...and grow you will because you have a willing and obedient heart...
god bless you...
xo

Jennifer Richardson said...

I so understand how you feel, Mary.
I think sometimes I feel a little abandoned by
Him, if I'm honest, when I'm sick.
Maybe a little put out.
Or even like He has failed to notice
and care for me. (ew...that's just ugly)
So I wait till I feel like I'm up to
performing well for Him again...like I'm up to the
effort of winning His love.
(ewwwwww.....really ugly)
I guess I need to invite Him to love me
in those hiding places.

I'll be praying for you, friend.
I hate that you're feeling unwell.
Sending love and hugs and huge hope
for brighter days ahead.
-Jennifer

PaperPumpkin said...

I am sorry you have been so sick, Mary. You are in my prayers. (I too get terrible migraines and suffer from vertigo. If you ever want to talk or email...!) I like your words: "God Aware" and "God Focused". I tend to not rest enough (except for the fact that I slept through July!). I tend to overdo and not stop when I am sick. Not sure if this is good or bad!

Denise said...

Very happy that you are feeling better.

Buffy said...

I'm glad you're starting to feel better. I think you're being to hard on yourself but your heart is in a good place wanting more of God. I think thats what he does he changes us from the inside.Helps us notice the changes that need to be changed!

Martha Lever said...

I hope you are feeling better, Mary. I am better today. I am thankful for every day I wake up and no hives!