leaving room...

It began with this image...well really it began almost a year ago...well really it began almost 58 years ago.  I can't explain all of this right now. I am still in process of so very much. Emotions are stirring.  I hope to better understand and be able to share more down the road a bit.  

I started this canvas almost a year ago.  There are probably 15 starts and stops on it.  These colorful splashes appeared this morning. Then came the "what next"?  I had no idea...I have not painted on canvas in ages...I seem to not be able to finish a dang thing. I have worked a lot in my journal.  But that comes easier for me. 

I covered the whole thing with black paint, it's much darker in person. The words, "don't fill the void...sometimes we must feel it. Let it be." came to mind and heart. So I wrote them.

It will stay like this for a time I think.

My mother passed away a few weeks ago. I did not have much of a relationship with her. She left home when I was 4. Though I would see her off and on she was a mother in name only. I attended her funeral. I was mostly numb.

So, I am living with the tension, with the unknown, with the messiness, with the confusing and conflicting feelings. I am going to try to stay with those feelings and not cover them with things that make me feel better and not feel them. I need to feel them, even if I don't want to.

So for now this painting hangs in my living room where I can see it each time I walk into the room.

As a reminder to feel...

This is a journal page I created sometime last year.  "We breathe the smoke of the spiritual battle" Just like children breathing in second hand smoke living in a home with a smoker we breath in the atmosphere of our homes. To some extent, this molds us. We come away with various beliefs about life and ourselves and others.

We can only pass down what we have...or don't have...

But God can and does bring healing, restoration and freedom.

I am beginning to breath the fresh clean air of freedom.