Once we clearly acknowledge the soul, we can learn to hear it's cries. - Dallas Willard, Renovation Of The Heart

3.31.2014

leaving room...

It began with this image...well really it began almost a year ago...well really it began almost 58 years ago.  I can't explain all of this right now. I am still in process of so very much. Emotions are stirring.  I hope to better understand and be able to share more down the road a bit.  

I started this canvas almost a year ago.  There are probably 15 starts and stops on it.  These colorful splashes appeared this morning. Then came the "what next"?  I had no idea...I have not painted on canvas in ages...I seem to not be able to finish a dang thing. I have worked a lot in my journal.  But that comes easier for me. 


I covered the whole thing with black paint, it's much darker in person. The words, "don't fill the void...sometimes we must feel it. Let it be." came to mind and heart. So I wrote them.


It will stay like this for a time I think.

My mother passed away a few weeks ago. I did not have much of a relationship with her. She left home when I was 4. Though I would see her off and on she was a mother in name only. I attended her funeral. I was mostly numb.

So, I am living with the tension, with the unknown, with the messiness, with the confusing and conflicting feelings. I am going to try to stay with those feelings and not cover them with things that make me feel better and not feel them. I need to feel them, even if I don't want to.

So for now this painting hangs in my living room where I can see it each time I walk into the room.

As a reminder to feel...


This is a journal page I created sometime last year.  "We breathe the smoke of the spiritual battle" Just like children breathing in second hand smoke living in a home with a smoker we breath in the atmosphere of our homes. To some extent, this molds us. We come away with various beliefs about life and ourselves and others.

We can only pass down what we have...or don't have...

But God can and does bring healing, restoration and freedom.

I am beginning to breath the fresh clean air of freedom.


10 comments:

Sheila Earhart said...

Keep breathing, you're doing great. The pregnant female image... so obvious to my eyes as well. The void... you may think you're somewhat alone but you are not. I'm there too right now. God knows what He's doing. Keep painting, keep looking, keep journaling.

Sheila

Kathy, PaperPumpkin said...

Hi Mary. I am thinking about you and sending you friendship and love. You are so brave...and so wise to push through and FEEL when it is painful. Prayers for you...love, kathy

elle north said...

Oh, how much I love this. Imagine what can come in, when we leave space?

Bren Graham Thebeau said...

I am sorry for you loss Mar, the heart still yearns for what it didn't have, pray you find comfort in the dark.
What you've painted is powerful and symbolic

Kim Mailhot said...

You really lost your mom at age 4, Sweet Mary. The healing and the mourning of that lack of mothering for your whole life is bound to bring up so many chaotic and painful emotions. You are a strong one, already recognizing the need to feel, to be with these feelings in order for the light to shine on them. Then they can be let go. Sending your love and much light as you go through this transition. I am so sorry for your loss, Brave One.

Leigh Ann said...

So very sorry for your loss Mary. I want you to know I am always inspired by your art journaling and when I see an email for a new post I can hardly wait to see what you've been up to! God bless you and may you feel his presence during this sad time.

Jennifer Richardson said...

big warm tenderness to you, friend.
holding your hand
in my heart.
-Jennifer

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laurel said...

Ah, sweetheart, my heart goes out to you in that loss you experienced long ago and then again. I did not have the same abandonment but a little similar one with my father in that he was around but not a father. There is always that struggle to not identify with God the same way as with an earthly parent and to not feel the pain of what you missed. My prayer for you is to come quickly through the valley to the high places of joy.

Georgina said...

Mary ... thank you for entrusting this to us ... may God be your constant Companion in this grief. I love this verse ... I love this God ... "You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?" Psalm 56:8 With love, Georgina