i choose...

i hear this a lot, i choose to be happy, i choose to be joyful, i choose to be grateful.  okay, i understand choosing to be grateful for everything, even the hard things.  i know how God uses it all; i have experienced that in my life.  i understand acting happy or joyful when i don't feel it and not walking around spewing all my hurt and pain on the world.

but i think because i have lived so much of my life pretending all was well when i was dying inside.  because i am good at wearing the "happy" mask and being bubbly when i really don't feel that way.  because i am learning to be honest with myself and with God i have a hard time with these sayings.

feelings are neither right or wrong.  they can be based on truth on a lie, and of course how i act out of my feelings matters, but how i am feeling in the moment is a barometer on  the state of my heart.

so, is it not better to be honest about how i am feeling in the moment and ask myself and God why i am feeling that way?  how can i listen and hear from him what i may be believing or experiencing that is making me feel a certain way if i am not even being honest with myself?

so for me it's Lord, why is my soul downcast?  Lord, what is making me feel this way.  Lord, show me my heart, help me sort out the truth from the lies.  Lord, show me where my thinking is wrong.  even if it's ugly show me...i want the truth. (but gently Lord, gently) 

i want to get to the root of my dissatisfaction, my unlovely behavior, my whatever.  i don't want it covered up.  i want it changed.  i want it transformed and i can't do that pretending i feel different than i really do. 

pretending wears me out!  as i age...as we all get older, we don't always have the capacity or strength to hide what's inside.  i don't want things building up and overflowing because i have not looked at them and asked God for change and healing.  

and friends, it will bubble up and overflow.