Once we clearly acknowledge the soul, we can learn to hear it's cries. - Dallas Willard, Renovation Of The Heart

9.05.2013

i choose...


i hear this a lot, i choose to be happy, i choose to be joyful, i choose to be grateful.  okay, i understand choosing to be grateful for everything, even the hard things.  i know how God uses it all; i have experienced that in my life.  i understand acting happy or joyful when i don't feel it and not walking around spewing all my hurt and pain on the world.

but i think because i have lived so much of my life pretending all was well when i was dying inside.  because i am good at wearing the "happy" mask and being bubbly when i really don't feel that way.  because i am learning to be honest with myself and with God i have a hard time with these sayings.

feelings are neither right or wrong.  they can be based on truth on a lie, and of course how i act out of my feelings matters, but how i am feeling in the moment is a barometer on  the state of my heart.

so, is it not better to be honest about how i am feeling in the moment and ask myself and God why i am feeling that way?  how can i listen and hear from him what i may be believing or experiencing that is making me feel a certain way if i am not even being honest with myself?

so for me it's Lord, why is my soul downcast?  Lord, what is making me feel this way.  Lord, show me my heart, help me sort out the truth from the lies.  Lord, show me where my thinking is wrong.  even if it's ugly show me...i want the truth. (but gently Lord, gently) 

i want to get to the root of my dissatisfaction, my unlovely behavior, my whatever.  i don't want it covered up.  i want it changed.  i want it transformed and i can't do that pretending i feel different than i really do. 

pretending wears me out!  as i age...as we all get older, we don't always have the capacity or strength to hide what's inside.  i don't want things building up and overflowing because i have not looked at them and asked God for change and healing.  

and friends, it will bubble up and overflow.

7 comments:

Becky Soules said...

Amen and amen!

Bren Thebeau said...

Yes and amen! Found this to be true for myself as well. Honestly owning the moments has been the only way I've found true reformation and believe it or not, it keeps me from spewing negativity into the lives of those around me. Life altering, life liberating my friend

Sarah said...

I completely know what you mean Mary! I have struggled, my whole life really, with my emotions. As I grew up I labeled myself as an emotional person. So I accepted the fact that I was overly emotional. What the Lord has shown me in the last few months is that I'm not necessarily an 'emotional' person, but that I was letting my emotions control my behavior. It is a humbling experience to feel the Lord telling you that that anger you feel is not from Him and is coming from a prideful heart. Not acting on my emotions, and learning to surrender them to God is still incredibly tough. I mess up all the time. But I know that ultimately whatever I give into His hands will benefit my life and increase my faith. You're right. We have to be willing to be honest if we want to move past our flesh and into righteousness.

Blessings to you Mary! :)

Mary Brack said...

I love this post, Mary, and resonate with it so much! The Psalms give us such great examples of being honest (especially before God)with our emotions and feelings - good, bad or otherwise! I love your honesty! And I love the lettering on the blue paint!!!

Hindsfeet said...

"There is nothing more exhausting than being inauthentic....that is why our social lives can be so exhausting, one feels one must wear a mask; I am laying aside my mask."

-Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Gift From the Sea

(Get this book, Mary)

Jennifer Richardson said...

yes....yes I so get this, Mary.
I think the moment by moment
choice
to be honest
is the most life-giving one
I've made.
Thanks for this powerful share,
Jennifer

Lavender Knits said...

Thank you for sharing such a deep and honest post.