"Once we clearly acknowledge the soul, we can learn to hear it's cries. - Dallas Willard, Renovation Of The Heart."

It takes courage to pursue our dreams. It takes time and patience to unearth buried treasure. But I believe with all my heart that we must do both.

4.12.2012

living with the struggle



i am amazed at how my emotions can swing from one end to the other in a day.  how one day i feel like i have some talent. skill, well that's another subject. but sometimes i think i have an eye for color and form.  

then yesterday happened.  i am trying to get a few pieces ready for the red barn sale. this painting has no less than eight paintings underneath.  and i am not even sure if i can call this a completed painting.  

i painted all day and seemed to get nowhere.  the more i painted the more i was convinced that i was an idiot to be doing this, that i have no talent whatsoever and should just put my paints away!!!!

so i smeared paint with my fingers.  stood back and thought, well this is kind of nice.  my daughter said she liked it a lot and would hang it just like it is.  

i am still not convinced...

i do know this will pass.  

this feeling of failure.  

20 comments:

Joni James said...

How many times we've all felt like this in our lives, and not just with art. We must fight those thoughts and assure ourselves that they are not true or they will defeat us. It takes daily self discipline sometimes. On a good note, it usually precedes a good day!

caryjo said...

When God has given us a "gift" ... mine is NOT painting, but writing and "missionarying" ... and we don't feel we fit into the mix at times, it's good when we can pull back and see His view instead of our own. His faithfulness and encouragement... using the words from others very often and sometimes from His spirit ... can help us take another deep breath and move along. And, as a result, bless others.

Sharon said...

Yea those feelings can sure lie to us. I know I sure have days when I feel just like that, No talent!!
So glad you got past that. I love all the color in this one too!
Sharon

Nora said...

I love it! :) Hope you create more. Good luck!

Kate said...

Hi Mary,

I can so relate to your day! It seems especially when I'm trying to work on something that I want other people to like (as opposed to just "playing"), that the critical voices start in and nothing looks right anymore. Don't listen to those voices! You have a wonderful gift and I'm glad to benefit from it when I read your blog!

Anita said...

Sounds like you aren't having fun...You must be like a child to enter into the kingdom of Heaven...Of the paintings you have done my favorite was one you did during worship...Our egos are always trying to get in the way...So are you afraid of rejection? Are you sabotaging yourself with doubtful thoughts because of that. I'm not one of those THUS Sayeth the LORD folks but I just have a feeling you have hit a wall that you (God wants you to) need to BREAK THROUGH. Paint for HIM...
what if He only gives you one painting? I'm going to pray for you. I have been in the same place where I had a show and ZERO inspiration. I get all hung up on people realizing that I am a fraud...the gig is up...somehow I have been able to decieve them that I have talent but now they will see who I really am... Rejoice in your weakness because in that HE (Jesus) is made strong. Now get those paints out and go back to Kindergarten... I don't know if this will have any meaning but I just got this old song in my head...I think it is by Niel Young..."Don't let it bring you down, it's only castles burning" Just thought I would throw that out to you...Hey, You know I have been a long time fan...I love your art but it is your heart that keeps me reading..

Kathy, PaperPumpkin said...

Mary, that blue especially, is really interesting. It has a center that I really, really like. I would hang it up! Don't you think that when you feel you HAVE to paint for a show or a sale, that it puts a certain type of stress on you...and maybe the thought that you have to be perfect...so your natural flow is somewhat disturbed? I feel that many times, when the pressure is on. When youput your fingers right in paint, I bet you were the most authentic! Is that when you did that blue??!! Anyway, Mary, I love ya!

Kim Mailhot said...

Hmmm, why are we so hard on ourselves ? You just had a day of "ugly" (to you!) painting and you managed to knock yourself down to where you think of yourself as a failure. You are not a failure at all. You are a Child of Light doing your best to express that inner glow within us all. Some days, it works and others, it doesn't. Just like all these bittersweet challenges of Life. Be gentle and loving with yourself, Artist Friend. Tomorrow is another day to paint and share that wonderful talent of yours.

Sarah Anderson said...

I love this! It's my first time visiting your blog and this painting really caught my eye! Today you may not like it, but another day, when those voices have stopped whispering, you'll love it

S. Etole said...

I like this! It seems to depict the emotions of spring and her fickleness.

Susan said...

I like it. A lot.

mystele said...

girl, you know it will pass. and, it's a lie. be YOU. that's all your art requires- you. just keep showing up with what you have, who you are, and the One you love.

Bren said...

It's a hard place to be in that's for sure, I go there more often than I want to! The pressure of deadlines and a lot going on can set us up for a lingering visit from our inner critic. Shutting him up is especially hard when you are trying out new things, as you are with this new piece, beautiful combination of colours by the way. Above all trust the process and don't give up!

jgr said...

Well, you are not alone my friend! I've had the same thoughts-I think it comes with the whole 'ARTIST' thing. Now: I think your painting is beautiful! I love the color and the subtle blendings along with the bright bursts. It has a nice simplicity about it. Maybe your inner critic should be sent on a long vacation . . . .

Janette@Janette's Sage said...

It is beautiful to me...but failure has been taking up residence in me lately, so I relate...time to tell that failure to take a hike..we both know who is the author of that lie!

Nancy said...

Girlfriend, I am going to just tell you like it is.....You are an artist; you do have talent, you are worthy, and you are loved.....usually when testing like this comes, there is a big break through on the horizon....Look for the big thing God has for you and not the lies the devil is feeding you....You my friend are a gift from God to all who meet you and see your beautiful work...God is using your hands, relax and see where He takes you...

I love you my friend,
Nanie

Jennifer Richardson said...

big teary mood-swinging hug
to you
with big confidence in the gift
that inside of you,
the gift you've become
and the gifts flowing like
a deep fresh river
through you.
It splashes and refreshes
and encourages and inspires me,
calls me up higher,
sets my roots down deeper,
washes my heart with healing
and lifts my eyes up
where they belong.
That just doesn't happen
anywhere:)
you're pure gift
and art
and I'm grateful.
-Jennifer

Sarah (Nikki) said...

LOL....that's how I often feel when I write but Mary...I like this. It's nice....and the colors flow gently. Funny how things really do work out and come together.

Lemon Lane Cottage said...

Some blogs are not just pretty pictures but also a view into the very soul of the writer...yours is one of those and I am so glad i found you. I think if we are honest we all feel like failures at what we are gifted in. It is one of the enemies most tried and true weapons. Your talent is amazing and I agree with your daughter, it's perfect just the way it is. Patty

Bevie said...

My precious sister I have to agree with those who posted before me, I love it too...you are so blessed with awesome talent, and should never listen to that lie that you're not good at it...never never never...I love you sweet sister!!!