I don't like schedules.
I don't like rules, especially arbitrary rules.
I don't like to be told what to do.
I don't like being accountable.
Hmmm, looks to me like I like to be in control.
But the things that I do have control over, like eating, how I use my time and money, I don't always exercise control in.
God and I are addressing issues surrounding my eating. There is a deeper issue at the core of my misuse of food, I know that. Dis-satisfaction with relationships in my life, some unresolved anger, boredom, and more. Eating, just like shopping, TV, the excessive moving of furniture, even my art, can be something I turn to to fill the void, to fill the ache in my heart.
None of these things are bad, it's how I use them.
So God and I are having quite a few conversations about this. About what causes me to use things unwisely. There is always a why behind the things we do. Sometimes we are unaware of the why. I don't want to live with blinders on. I want to be free from the things that control me and keep me from living in the freedom God offers.
A good friend (thank you Susan) recommended a book to me.
"surrendering hunger" 365 devotions for wholeness, by Jan Johnson
It is helping me to see a little clearer.
Why do I post about these issues??
I do not believe I am alone in my struggle of trying to satisfy my desires, of filling the emptiness I sometimes feel with things that do not satisfy. That in reality actually bind me, and have the potential of leading me to addictions that take away my freedom.
Our society tries so hard to look good. To keep hidden the issues that we deal with in private. To paste on a smile even when we are hurting. To say all is fine. No problems or issues here. Especially, the family of God.
But when we hide behind that fake smile, we do a disservice to each other. If we are all pretending everything is fine how will we ever help each other - without judgment and in love?? If we are hiding our struggles, we compound them with feelings of failure and guilt. We are all flawed, we all struggle, we all hurt.
Let's stop pretending and pursue the freedom God offers.