As I ponder my word for the year it is becoming clear God has a lot to say to me.
He is giving me clues and meaning to this word in ways I did not expect. I should not be surprised at this, but I am. I am stubborn and hard headed - hearted at times and sometimes it take me too long to see. I sometimes wonder if it is like God's people wandering in the wilderness. They were his, I am his, but because I choose my way so much of the time I don't see the blessings or the life he has for me.
Today's reading in "Listening to Your Life" by Frederick Buechner.
"My mother's apartment by candlelight was haven and home and shelter from everything in the world that seemed dangerous and a threat to my peace. And my friend's broken voice on the phone was a voice calling me out into the dangerous world not simply for his sake, as I suddenly saw it, but also for my sake. The shattering revelation of that moment was that true peace, the high and bidding peace that passeth all understanding, is to be had not in retreat from the battle, but only in the thick of the battle. To journey for the sake of saving our own lives is little by little to cease to live in any sense that really matters, even to ourselves, because it is only by journeying for the world's sake - even when the world bores and sickens and scares you half to death - that little by little we start to come alive. It was not a conclusion that I came to in time. It was a conclusion from beyond time that came to me. God knows I have never been any good at following the road it pointed me to, but at least, by grace, I glimpsed the road and saw that it is the only one worth traveling."
The reason this spoke to me is that I have a tendency to cocoon myself. I love my home, I have made my home a sanctuary for myself - I thought I was making one for my family, but in truth it was more for myself. I did not have a very warm and inviting home as a child. I was not physically abused, but I was neglected. I was left alone, really to fend for myself from an early age. When I married I was determined to make a warm home for my husband and children. My regret is that for a big part of my life I focused more on the home than it's occupants. Like we all sometimes focus more on the outside than the inside of ourselves. Erecting this facade about us to the world, when we are dying on the inside.
For the past several years God has been tearing that facade down. He has been showing me my heart, showing me his heart. So I see that my "abiding" is going to include some stepping out, reaching out as well as up!
He is taking me on an adventure!