Where to begin with my ramblings, for that is what I feel I am doing most of the time. I ask myself often, more so lately, why I do this? Why do I post my art? What is the purpose? What am I looking for when I do so?? At this point, I have met so many lovely people that to not continue would be hard for me. I would miss feeling part of a special community, and miss seeing what you all are up to.
I have heard it said, that when you are a certain age, I'm 53, you are still 3 and 5 and 10 and 15 and 20............. you are still those ages inside. I believe this to be true. As we grow we learn, adapt to our surroundings, to what happens to us. We learn ways to live, to protect our little hearts that are necessary for our survival. We bring those way into our adulthood (what ever that is). Our growth can be stunted because of circumstances as well. God has been taking me on a journey for many years, but it is just in the last two that I have been awake for it. I feel as if I had sleepwalked through most of my life. Does anyone else ever feel that way?? I think I finally said to God I am ready to face what is really in my heart. To look at why I do what I do.
To look at the motives of my heart - which for the most part are full of self!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think we get to a point when being full of self just sucks!! I am not putting myself down here. I know I am totally loved and accepted (finally) by the one who really matters!!!!! And because of that I can look at all the junk in my trunk. To look at why I do what I do, why I am so unloving, why I am so self-focused, bla, bla, bla. Even when we are other focused, sometimes there is a payoff for doing so - sometimes that is self as well.
In his book "The Gift of Being Yourself", David Benner says, "The goal of the spiritual journey is the transformation of self - this requires knowing both our self and God." He also says, "Beneath the roles and masks lie a possibility of a self that is as unique as a snowflake." There is a real self under all the stuff I have piled on top of it - the stuff that I present to the world that I think will make me look good, valuable, to have worth. I already have worth - you already have worth.
I wasted so much time and energy - but God is slowly showing me my true heart. Sometimes it is not a pretty thing to see. But it is safe to look. I am deeply sinful, but deeply loved and in the process of being redeemed and restored.
Back to my beginning question. I think I do this for many reasons. To share my journey, to encourage those that are on a similar one - or may be on the verge of beginning there's. I think if I am honest I do this to receive as well. To receive encouragement (that you all do so well). Sometimes I wonder if it is easier to live open and honestly online that it is in person. I think that maybe it is, we only get little glimpses of each other here. But I believe it is a reflection of a larger picture of the person. I believe it is worthwhile. So with warts and all I continue.
May you all have a wonderful day,