Poem

I was looking through my first visual journal and came across a poem I had included that really spoke to me. I searched to find out the author and found it was only a portion of it. Here it is in full.


Please Hear What I'm Not Saying

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,
masks that I'm afraid to take off,
and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,
for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,
that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me,
that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without
and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes
the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!

With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator--
of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.

Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me
the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet
and I am every woman you meet.

Charles C. Finn
September 1966

heart and home two

I grunged up the yellow a bit, and added white dots.

another house painting

This a new painting titled Heart and Home. That seems to be a theme for me at the moment. The second photo is the background, ya think I was influenced by the coffee mug I was using?? lol

Friday morning

Hi everyone, I had a wonderful time in Puerto Rico with my friends. My camera broke right before my trip, but there were wonderful pictures taken by others. I will post some when I get them. The weather was perfect, we had a few afternoon storms, the lightening over the ocean was magnificent - and loud!!!!! I did come home with a cold, and have been laying low all week.

I did manage to do some work from my gut art class. I seem to be drawn to home, and working through what that means to me. past, present and future.

These are the words that are now written around the house.

warm
family
safe
pieces
losses
joy
legacy of generations
anger

Living Water

They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns, that cannot hold water. (Jeremiah 2:13)

But whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst, but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.
(John 4:14)

For with You is the fountain of life, in your light we see light. (Psalm 36:9)

May you all have a blessed refreshing Sunday.

I will be out of town till Tuesday, October 20th. If I can I will try to check in on you all, but if I cannot please know you all will be in my thoughts and prayers.

As I rough it on the beaches of Puerto Rico with 6 of my closest friends!! :)

Hugs you all!!!

Journal pages from gut art class

Some inside pages from Gut Art book

Inside covers and a few pages of Gut Art book.

Mystele Class

I am taking the class "Gut Art" from Mystele
It's a class to help you learn how to paint from the heart. To paint what's inside. To find what you are drawn to. To help you look at other artists and see what it is you love about it, not to copy that artist, but to learn about what moves you. We created a book to house the journey. These are the front and back covers of my book.